It was my father’s 70th birthday this week. His ashes still sit in my bedroom and it was a difficult day to get through. It is stunning how little we speak of death, how strangely suspended we are when processing the loss of a loved one. The experience is so ubiquitous, I’m surprised no one has yet nailed down a formula for grieving, like:
Beautiful pictures of your father! He sounds like a character that felt more than he could express, but I think that’s the luxury that our generation has. They were the brave ones who’s lives were so much harder in some ways, and we have more emotional education but less community. I worry sometimes about how grief for me was so all consuming. I hope that you have people around you to help you through this time. I found the “griefcast” and “the moth” podcasts really helpful for my processing. I do love a good story though. Show yourself the love you deserve, and re the paperwork, just keep it in tidy folders as I find that every few months something crops where I need something to help me fill out more paperwork. (UK) re the ashes, I would say ask yourself what you felt as he passed. With my mum I felt the energy slowly leave the room. It makes me think that their energy returns back to the earth and becomes a part of everything and everywhere they loved. (Who knows, I’ve only become such a hippy since she passed). Ask yourself and give yourself time to answer. What ever you choose is the right thing to do.
I am my father’s executor/sole beneficiary and dealing with probate and banks and doddering accountants makes me want to burn the world down. There was a section from Richard Powers’s novel “The Overstory” that really resonated with me.
“The three girls attack the mountain of paperwork and reporting. It has never before occurred to Mimi: The law doesn't stop with death. It reaches far beyond the grave, for years, entangling the survivors in bureaucratic hurdles that make the challenges of pre-death seem like a cakewalk.”
I am sorry for your loss. Your piece resonated with me as I also had a relative lost to pain and fear, during a battle with cancer, preventing the types of conversations you seek at the end of someone’s life. Not to mention witnessing the ravages of stage 4 cancer and the treatment to prolong it. I hope your fond memories overtake your memories of losing him.
Thank you for writing this, Sashi. We will all go through an Apprenticeship in Death, (unless we’re the ones who ho, tragically young, before anyone else). its a shame that we have to fumble our way through the first couple of times. I worked in the funeral industry until recently. I like your list. I’d add make sure you know your grandparents’ names and dates of birth (maybe ask parents if they’re still around). So many people have blinked at me in massive grief and said, “Nanna and Oppo?” which the Department of Justice is unlikely to find satisfactory.
Beautiful pictures of your father! He sounds like a character that felt more than he could express, but I think that’s the luxury that our generation has. They were the brave ones who’s lives were so much harder in some ways, and we have more emotional education but less community. I worry sometimes about how grief for me was so all consuming. I hope that you have people around you to help you through this time. I found the “griefcast” and “the moth” podcasts really helpful for my processing. I do love a good story though. Show yourself the love you deserve, and re the paperwork, just keep it in tidy folders as I find that every few months something crops where I need something to help me fill out more paperwork. (UK) re the ashes, I would say ask yourself what you felt as he passed. With my mum I felt the energy slowly leave the room. It makes me think that their energy returns back to the earth and becomes a part of everything and everywhere they loved. (Who knows, I’ve only become such a hippy since she passed). Ask yourself and give yourself time to answer. What ever you choose is the right thing to do.
I am my father’s executor/sole beneficiary and dealing with probate and banks and doddering accountants makes me want to burn the world down. There was a section from Richard Powers’s novel “The Overstory” that really resonated with me.
“The three girls attack the mountain of paperwork and reporting. It has never before occurred to Mimi: The law doesn't stop with death. It reaches far beyond the grave, for years, entangling the survivors in bureaucratic hurdles that make the challenges of pre-death seem like a cakewalk.”
I am sorry for your loss. Your piece resonated with me as I also had a relative lost to pain and fear, during a battle with cancer, preventing the types of conversations you seek at the end of someone’s life. Not to mention witnessing the ravages of stage 4 cancer and the treatment to prolong it. I hope your fond memories overtake your memories of losing him.
My heart goes out to you, Sashi. You've been through so much. Wishing you nothing but peace and love in the coming days.
My condolences on your loss and the hard day today. And the whole experience, it sounds really tough.
Thank you for writing this, Sashi. We will all go through an Apprenticeship in Death, (unless we’re the ones who ho, tragically young, before anyone else). its a shame that we have to fumble our way through the first couple of times. I worked in the funeral industry until recently. I like your list. I’d add make sure you know your grandparents’ names and dates of birth (maybe ask parents if they’re still around). So many people have blinked at me in massive grief and said, “Nanna and Oppo?” which the Department of Justice is unlikely to find satisfactory.
Apprenticeship in death? That's powerful. Thank you.
Thank you, Stephen. My psychologist gave me the term. I’m not sure if she got it from professional development or came up with it herself.